Our path has been one that I never ever thought we’d travel down- full of therapy, fighting with school districts, diets, vaccination debates, and on and on. Amidst all of the tough things that have come with autism, our lives have been blessed and perspectives changed. My sweet J has taught me more in 13 years than I learned in any of my 20+ years combined before him.
Today is Autism Awareness day. Hopefully you’ll see people wearing blue when you’re out and about. My family will be decked out in blue.
Did you know?
- Autism is a general term used to describe a group of complex developmental brain disorders {autism spectrum disorders} caused by a combination of genes and environmental influences.
- Autism is the fastest-growing serious developmental disability in the U.S.
A new case of autism is diagnosed every 15 minutes. - There is no medical detection or cure for autism but early diagnosis and intervention can improve outcomes.
Not only is awareness a big deal to me, but action is too. It’s one thing to be aware, it’s another thing completely to act and make changes. I wanted to offer some suggestions for interacting with children (and their parents) on the Autism Spectrum.
- First and foremost, don’t be afraid to ask questions. I love when people ask me questions about J or autism in general. To me it says that they want to get to know him. And I’d much rather have people ask then wonder or assume. I think it goes without saying that questions asked should be appropriate in nature. As much as I love answering questions, I’d rather not address- “So it must really stink having a child with autism huh?” But if you ask things like “What does J like to do these days?” or “What’s he learning about at school?” or the best one”How can I help?” :)
- Understand that our kids are kids first, autism comes second. They are not autistic. They are kids with autism. Yep, it’s easier to say “autistic” than “child with autism” (I know it’s a mouth full). Some parents are very sensitive about this and others don’t care either way- err on the side of caution and respect. Learn to recognize the person first.
- Know that children with autism are all different from each other. Not all kids on the spectrum don’t make eye contact, can count cards and avoid being around people (most in fact are not like that). Each child has their own set of challenges and strengths. Take the time to get to know the person with autism- what they like and don’t like. Since autism is a spectrum with varying limitations, some children will be able to communicate well while other are severely impacted and struggle to speak at all.
- Don’t be intimidated. The first distinct memories I have of interacting with someone with special needs was in high school. I was nervous. I didn’t know what to do or how I should act. What if I did it wrong? But all it took was a little bit of time with the kids and my fears went away. It can be the same way for you. Even though each child is different, try to find a way to engage the child. If you know he/she likes trains ask about trains. If there is no response, try approaching in a different way- point out a train and ask specific questions. Most kids with autism do better with visual cues and specific questions. If you are trying to get them to do something, model it for them. Have them imitate you. Say “try this” and show them. My biggest advice is to just keep trying. Don’t miss out on the chance to get to know a really amazing person just because you don’t think you can get through. There is always a way, you just might have to get creative in your approach. :)
- Try not to talk down. It’s sad when I hear people talk to my J really slowly and really loudly. I understand that they speak to him like that because they are unsure of how to talk to him. And sometimes (most times) he doesn’t respond when a question is asked of him. But that doesn’t mean he doesn’t understand. If you are unsure of how much the child you are talking to will understand, ask their parents for advice.
- Offer to help, instead of hurt. I can’t count how many times I’ve been out and about with my J and people have stared or done a double take at him. Usually it’s because he is sucking his thumb (at 13), flapping his hands or having a meltdown. I, as his mother, am fully aware that his behavior is not appropriate. The last thing I need/want is for everyone in Target to stare me down, whisper under their breaths or say hurtful things aloud. Instead smile. It’s simple but can make an overwhelmed mom (who is trying her very hardest) feel less judged. Along with that know that children with autism aren’t “bad” and often have a really hard time controlling their behaviors.
- Have a conversation with your kids. Starting at a young age, teach your kids that it’s ok to be different. I know it sounds cliche but it’s true. If you’re not sure exactly how to start a conversation, might I suggest pointing out something about them that sets them apart. Highlight how cool it is that they have three freckles on their face and how that makes them unique. Explain how boring it would be if every person looked and acted the same. You can then bridge the conversation to how important it is to realize that just because someone learns or acts differently, that they are still of worth. All kids need to know that just because Ryan doesn’t play the same way or that Adam reacts differently to a situation, that they are still a person with a place in this world. Because children with autism “look normal” other kids can be confused as to why they act inappropriately. If you know that you’ll be around someone with autism beforehand (a playdate for example)- talk to your kids about what they can expect or what to anticipate. And once you get there, be the example. Your children look to you to know how to act. If you act in a loving, understanding, accepting way, they will follow your lead.
Here are some other autism ideas I’ve shared on 30days:
Autism Awareness Rice Crispy Treats + Printable labels
Autism Awareness Card & Tips for Disneyland
Autism Puzzle Piece Cake from guest post by Bird on a Cake
While I don’t claim to have all the answers, I would be happy to respond to any questions you might have about being a special needs mom, autism in general, etc? Leave them in the comments!
Laura says
Love this post, thank you for being so open and honest. I’d like to return the gift and share a poem with you that I wrote about my son. http://alittlecalm.com/finding-the-words
x
Sam says
I’ve just stumbled across your lovely blog in an attempt to make a family binder and get a bit more organization in our lives (new year’s resolution turned married life resolution when I got married). Loving it thus far. I do have a question for you that I understand if you pass on, but where do you fall in the vaccination debate?
Courtney W. says
My oldest son was diagnosed with autism this year, as was I. I really enjoy your website. I’m curious about how you’ve managed your son’s IEP information. Do you have it organized in a binder? What system do you use to keep up with the paperwork? My son is in PK and I want to start off on the right foot with keeping everything organized. I’m sure you have some awesome ideas. Any tips?
Lara Bull says
I just came across your blog and I feel like you know me. My son was diagnosed last summer at the age of 8. I’m recently divorced with a 15 month old daughter and his father refuses to admit his diagnosis. It’s a constant battle with his dad much less the district and everyone else. But I’m so, so proud of my little dude. He’s amazing. He’s overcome so much and I find myself learning from him everyday. Thank you for sharing your story and helping me feel like I’m not alone. :)
Little Mum in the City says
Reading this post, helped me have a good cry. My youngest dear boy after a horrible first year of school was found to have aspergers. Thought having a name and information would help teachers to stop calling him a naughty boy, and get him the help he needed at school. But instead it became a very, very hard time. (could write a book!)
But the positive is now we are having a blast homeschooling. Boy the t-shirt idea would be awesome. Maybe mine would have a line saying “my son is not weird, just unique”
T says
Great post. I am using the picture of the word AUTISM spelled out to help educate some students who are peer role models in a social skills group I work with.
Mique says
Thanks so much Tabitha. Hope your students find it helpful!
ashley @ little miss momma says
Amazing post by an amazing momma of an amazing boy! J is one lucky dude and I can’t wait to meet him!
I love how you said this: Understand that our kids are kids first, autism comes second. They are not autistic. They are kids with autism. Yep, it’s easier to say “autistic” than “child with autism” (I know it’s a mouth full). Some parents are very sensitive about this and others don’t care either way- err on the side of caution and respect. Learn to recognize the person first.
I don’t think i ever thought of it that way, but it makes perfect sense. thanks for shedding light–education is the key to compassion. :) love you friend!
Mique says
Thanks Ashley! Hopefully some day you’ll get to meet him. And then we can be the crazy ones. ;)
Love you! xoxo
Kim says
Mique, Thanks for sharing such a personal journey. J is blessed to have such a wonderful mommy, and you of course are blessed to have J and to get to see life through his precious eyes as well! I love that you have included what he would say if he could communicate better…It hits the nail right on the head!
Thanks again,
Kim
Mique says
Thanks so much Kim! I am so blessed to have him in my life. My perspective has changed drastically as we’ve learned together over the years what really matters! Have a great week!
Sandy says
This was a lovely post. My children attend a school that has an inclusion program for children with autism. Many of their friends have spectrum disorders and it does not seem strange to them at all. The teachers and staff have been specifially trained to help kids with spectrum disorders. I have 3 very busy boys who have a hard time sitting still. The teachers are so well equipped to redirect them because of all the training they have received. We feel really lucky to have such diversity at our school and really believe that EVERY child is gifted, even if their gifts aren’t recognized in traditional classrooms. Good luck to you (and J) as you continue your journey.
Mique says
Thank you so much for this comment Sandy. Your kids school sounds wonderful!! J went to an elementary school that was amazing with mainstreaming and inclusion. The typical kids learned a ton from my J’s class. When we run into kids from that school around town they still say hi to J. It makes me soooo happy. We feel fortunate to have had those few years as this year his transition junior high has been horrible. :( Hopefully we can get back to a good place. Have a fabulous day!
Angela says
Mique this post is spot-on! Not sure if I ever mentioned it, before my SAHM gif started (3years ago) I was a special education (mild/moderate) teacher. Best job ever. I hope that everyone will one day realize that kids (and adults) with autism just see the world differently than we do, and that is perfectly ok. xoxo
Mique says
Angela I had no idea that you were a special education teacher! It says so much about you! I’m sure your kids are great with kids with special needs because of your awesome attitude and perspective! Love it. Looking forward to seeing you next week! xo
Kara says
Mique I love this post!! I have two nephews with Autism and several friends with children on the spectrum. These children are such blessings in my families lives and we are so grateful for what they teach us. Thank you so much for the tips! I wasn’t aware that calling a child autistic could be offensive. I will be aware of that now. It’s almost noon here and I’m just about to jump in the shower (should i have admitted that?!) but I will most definitely be putting on my blue for the day! Sending love and good vibes your way!!
Mique says
Thanks Kara!! As far as calling someone “autistic” – it really is a personal thing. I always say “My son has autism” not he is “autistic.” But everyone has their preferences. Thanks for your comment. Hope you got to wear blue. ;) (and there have been days that at 5pm I still haven’t showered……oops!) xoxo
jeannett says
I love you. Times one million millions.
Mique says
Love you times a million millions plus one.
Amy Huntley says
Loved this post! Thank you so much for making us more aware of the responsibility we all share in treating others with kindness and respect! You are an amazing woman and mother. I look up to you in so many ways! Love ya! xo
Mique says
Love you Amy! I look up to you!! Thank you for that sweet comment. Can’t wait to see you and give you a big ol’ hug SO soon. xoxoxo
Alicia says
Thank you so much for this post today. My daughter was diagnosed with autism spectrum disorder this month, and I’m struggling a lot with the diagnosis. We’ve always known that she was different from other kids, but she’s atypical in her autism presentation in a lot of ways, and it took a long time (she’s nearly six) to figure out what was actually going on with her. In some ways having the diagnosis makes me feel better, because now I can say that it’s not just that I’m a horrible parent, it’s that her brain is just wired differently. But it’s also hard to think about the struggles she will face as she grows older. I love the printable you did about autism… the lines, “He’s not being naughty. He has a neurological disorder.” brought tears to me eyes. So many times we’ve been out in public and my daughter has had meltdowns, and we have gotten cruel comments from strangers, like, “Put a muzzle on that kid!” or “What’s wrong with her?” Maybe I just need to print your lines on a t shirt and wear it at all times. :) Anyway, thank you again for giving a rookie mom of a kid with ASD a smile and a little hope today.
Mique says
Oh Alicia- I am so glad you commented. I’d love to have a tshirt to wear all the time with everything on it. Maybe I should do that! :) You are so not alone. And you are NOT a bad parent. There will be days that you will jump for joy because of accomplishments and then there will be other days that you think you can’t take one more second. Being a mom to a child with autism has stretched me in ways I didn’t know were possible (and truthfully, often didn’t want to be stretched). I wrote my journey from the start here- look under “the A word” if you haven’t yet. I stopped writing because it started to feel negative and I didn’t want it to be that way. I will finish it….just wanted to get in a good place before I continued. I hope you know that you are awesome and that there are mothers all over the world just like you. Have a great day!
jen@eighteen25 says
thanks for sharing this mique. i haven’t met your sweet J yet, but he holds a piece of my heart. :)
Mique says
If that isn’t the sweetest comment Jen! Thank you so much. Hope some day our kids can all meet. On the baseball field maybe? ;) xoxo